Archive for August, 2013

Very Interesting…

The Places That Scare You

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“Relationship is self-revelation; it is because we do not want to be revealed to ourselves that we run away and hide in comfort.” – Krishnamurti

“Only in relationship can you know yourself, not in abstraction and certainly not in isolation. The movement of behavior is the sure guide to yourself. It is the mirror of your consciousness: the mirror will reveal its content, the images, the attachments, the fears, the loneliness, the joys and sorrow. Poverty lies in running away from this. . . .” – Krishnamurti

“Relationship is a process of self-revelation; relationship is as a mirror in which you begin to discover yourself, your tendencies, pretensions, selfish and limited motives, fears, and so on. In relationship, if you are aware, you will find that you are being exposed, which causes conflict and pain. The thoughtful person welcomes this self-exposure to bring about order and clarity, to free his…

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I do not think i have ever been in love.

What is it? Is it a chemical reaction, and purely physical body response or something spiritual and out of this world, that only some people can experience?.. Hmmmm…

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When i started to look for answers… i found out that the phrase “what is love?” is the most searched phrase on Google  in 2012. So i found article in which writers from fields of philosophy, literature, psychotherapy, religion and science trying to define the term “love”:

  •   The Physicist, Jim Al-Khalili – “Love is chemistry” : “Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defence and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and security.”

  • Psychotherapist, Philippa Perry – “Love has many guises” : 

“Unlike us, the ancients did not lump all the various emotions that we label “love” under the one word. They had several variations, including:

Philia which they saw as a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other in battle. Ludus describes a more playful affection found in fooling around or flirting. Pragma is the mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term couples and involves actively practising goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding. Agape is a more generalised love, it’s not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity. Philautia is self love, which isn’t as selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist will tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about yourself. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros is about sexual passion and desire. Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma, eros will burn itself out Love is all of the above. But is it possibly unrealistic to expect to experience all six types with only one person. This is why family and community are important.”

  • The Philosopher, Julian Baggini – “Love is a passionate commitment” : “The answer remains elusive in part because love is not one thing. Love for parents, partners, children, country, neighbour, God and so on all have different qualities. Each has its variants – blind, one-sided, tragic, steadfast, fickle, reciprocated, misguided, unconditional. At its best, however, all love is a kind a passionate commitment that we nurture and develop, even though it usually arrives in our lives unbidden. That’s why it is more than just a powerful feeling. Without the commitment, it is mere infatuation. Without the passion, it is mere dedication. Without nurturing, even the best can wither and die.”

  • The romantic novelist, Jojo Moyes – “Love drives all great stories” : “What love is depends on where you are in relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as mundane and necessary as air – you exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it can feel like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. Love is the driver for all great stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for child, for family, for country. It is the point before consummation of it that fascinates: what separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way. It is usually at those points that love is everything”

  • The nun, Catherine Wybourne – “Love is free, yet blind us” : “Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love’s the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life’s greatest blessing.”

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Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we can not command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don’t fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.

Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving people you don’t like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates independently of our fears and desires.

Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, nor even a marketable power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.

One can buy sex partners and even marriage partners. Marriage is a matter for the law, for rules and courts and property rights. In the past the marriage price, or dowry, and in the present alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage is all about contracts. But as we all know, marriages, whether arranged or not, may have little enough to do with love.

Sexual stimulation and gratification, whether by way of fingers, mouths, objects, fantasy play, whips and chains, or just plain intercourse, can certainly be bought and sold, not to mention used to sell other things. Whether sex should be for sale is another question entirely, but love itself can not be sold.

One can buy loyalty, companionship, attention, perhaps even compassion, but love itself cannot be bought. An orgasm can be bought, but love cannot. It comes, or not, by grace, of its own will and in its own timing, subject to no human’s planning.

Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered if it doesn’t spring freely from the heart.

This doesn’t mean that love allows destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love speaks out for justice and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for angergrief, or pain to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn’t get what it wants. Love does not say, directly or indirectly, “If you are a bad boy, Mommy won’t love you any more.” Love does not say, “Daddy’s little girl doesn’t do that.” Love does not say, “If you want to be loved you must be nice, or do what I want, or never love anyone else, or promise you’ll never leave me.”

Love cares what becomes of you because love knows that we are all interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows that the “other” is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and love itself can not be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of each soul. Love is its own law. ( source: Excerpted from The Seven Natural Laws of Love, by Deborah Anapol and appears by permission of the publisher.)

So many theories, so many opinions, and i guess one needs to experience it to know exactly what it is… But how would you know that that is love when it comes?.. And does everyone experience and feel “love” or not?  i guess there is no answer for that…

But i hope that people that do find it, they will keep it and cherish it, and will not let it go, and fight for it with all of their being, because they might never have it back…and they should be glad they experienced this feeling, or whatever that is, at all! ❤

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Girl who reads

Posted: August 26, 2013 in Art
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Girl who reads

Accept the feeling and open your wings

“Feeling and longing are the motive forces behind all human endeavors and human creations.”

— Albert Einstein

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“What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke

What is the relationship between emotional pain and creative thought and action?

In Brave New World, Aldous Huxley imagined a dystopian future in which psychological hardship had effectively become a thing of the past, a society where humans were conditioned to expect nothing less than full-time joy. Negative emotions became totally unnecessary because they melted away whenever you swallowed a delicious, ubiquitous, and consequence-free substance, called soma.

If annihilating all the pains of life were really as easy as taking a soma tablet would you do it?

And if so, how do you think this might affect your creative output?

Soma may be closer to reality than many people realize. With skyrocketing antidepressant use, and accumulating evidence that these psychiatric drugs may be doing more harm than good overall, it’s reasonable to ask ourselves whether they may be blunting creativity along with emotional pain.

While psychological pain can cause all manner of suffering, it can also be an important driver of human creativity. Distress can be functional; we are often moved to create because we need to feel better, to improve the quality of our lives and the lives of people around us.

Psychological theories reason that negative emotion can enhance creativity in several ways. Most importantly, distressing feelings allow for the release of energy into work: The sublimation of anxieties into creative production is considered one of the healthiest possible ways of coping with pain.

Emotional difficulties also provide an important well of content, an endless source of material to be exploited. Because of this, the hypothetical elimination of psychic pain would effectively narrow the range of human creativity; of art and science; of beauty and truth. In Huxley’s world, only savages appreciated the emotional complexity of Shakespeare, a forgotten poet.

Sheer persistence in the face of emotional adversity is also probably a key component to creativity. Especially creative people are often forced to deal with regular disapproval, both external and internal, for their divergent thinking. For some, this can lead to intense dissatisfaction with the self and sustained creative stagnation. For others, the capacity to endure repeated rejections and self-questioning can unleash creative flow.

Recent scientific research into the emotion-creativity link gives us more clues: When negative emotions are severe they tend to block creativity (as well as concentrationmotivation, and much else), but when they are only moderate, bad moods (like good moods) are associated with increased creativity. Feeling negative often leads to a more critical/analytical mindset, helping us to see when a strategy is not working and in need of revision. [2]

According to another line of research, whether we feel positive or negative may actually be less important for creative achievement than whether that emotion comes with heightened arousal or not. So, boosts in creativity may be more likely to occur when experiencing high arousal emotions, like anger or hurt (or enthusiasm), and less likely to occur when experiencing low arousal emotions, like despair (or relaxation).

There is also research suggesting that people are most creative when they are able to experience both positive and negative emotions and they feel supported by people around them. In other words, having a wide-ranging emotional life—including painful experiences—in the context of dependable relationships is probably the best combination for fostering creativity

Because the emotional dark side has inspired some of humanity’s most impressive creations, we should think about potential consequences before attempting to eliminate pain instead of cope with it.

Over and over, we see beauty develop out of affliction. Could anyone possibly imagine what modern music might sound like if the blues had never existed? [3] Any song—any genre—rooted in the blues, including jazz, rock’n’roll, punk, pop, soul, funk, and hip-hop, would never have existed in Huxley’s unidimensional world.

American music has origins in psychological pain and injustice, with endless examples of spectacular achievement in spite of—or due to—adversity. Billie Holiday grew up in the severest poverty and struggled with constant racism and sexism throughout her life, experiences which informed and enhanced the profundity of her vocal performances. James Brown grew up in similar circumstances, and his unique legacy has as much to do with educating his audience about sheer persistence through hardship as it does with his conception of an entirely new form of music. When Patti Smith sang, “Those who have suffered/Understand suffering/And thereby extend their hand,” she was expressing the heavy undersoul of rock’n’roll.

(source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/limitless/201306/pain-and-poiesis)

I didn’t know i was beautiful, i mean as a kid i was terribly shy and no beauty, even in junior high i was an ugly duckling at least that is how i felt. Looking back now i can see i was becoming beautiful but i didn’t know it, i was insecure and my family made me feel like i was “usual”, “nothing special”.  I never had much friends and always felt that there was something wrong with me, which made me feel insecure. I would only get hit on by guys that were only interested in my exterior and flirting…

It took me years to realize that I am beautiful…not just on the outside but on the inside as well, which is more important. Everyday I am told I am beautiful wether its from a coworker or total stranger and the compliments don’t come just from men. I catch women stare at me, some even come up to me on the street and say “ I am not gay or anything, but you are really beautiful”. I do not think that is purely physical, I am very intelligent and kind, and people say it “shines through”.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I just don’t see it. I know I am not ugly but I do not see what they are seeing. And the part about always being suspicious of a man’s intentions is true. It takes me a long time to to trust someone as I have put my heart and feelings out there for close people to have it stomped on.  I am not writing this to get sympathy, I just want to find answers as to why this happens and find a way to avoid the loneliness…

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To start my research I decided to find out what the word “loneliness” mean, here is the wikipedia description: “ Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental, emotional, and spiritual factors”

 Then I went to google and read forum conversations from different sites for hours as to what people say. And here are some quotes:

“Nobody ever asks me out. Perhaps I should leave the bag on my head when I am about town” – CottonCandle, San Francisco

“Before I got together with my current S.O., I haven’t been on a date in 5 years” – Kitty Katia, Las Vegas

“I wouldn’t call them lonely. I do think there’s something to it in the sense that most guys are intimidated to approach certain girls. Ironically I think most assume that since they look great, they must already be with someone.” – R Marquez, San Francisco

“It’s absolutely true about the guys being afraid to approach. I usually need to give a CLEAR green light for any guy to hit on me” & “I’ve always told my guy friends… the big secret is really hot women are EASIER to tie down than average ones, because most guys think they can’t and don’t even try” – Sabrina Maree, West Hollywood

“Yeah, some guys don’t believe that I am attracted to them, even when I clearly am hitting on them. One guy put me through a serious of tests, like having friends question me as to if I was truly interested and why… But I mean, what the hell could my motive be? Wasn’t like he had money I could be after! WTH? But that’s weird to me how they won’t believe…” – Ararity, NY

I even found couple comments from man, here is one that struck me: “It seems to me the more beautiful they are the more evil and stuck on themselves they are. They say they are lonely because they can’t have what they want, they’re greedy, superficial and snotty. They think that a has to be wealthy or a supermodel to even talk to them. If you look at a beautiful woman they get an attitude like what are you looking at…” – thomasedwin

Yes, there are women like that, sadly man like Thomasedwin get burned and lose trust in women. First of all it depends on the definition of “beauty”, I believe beauty can be shown not only in physical attributes but mostly it is characteristics that can be seen with our subconsciousness  we just need to learn how to recognize it. I believe most of us met people that might not be beautiful when we first look at them, but the moment we start to communicate and look at them more closely, we notice that they are the most amazing people and all of a sudden we get really attracted to that person. So yes, I believe beauty can be “shining through” from inside.

But lets get back to the physically beautiful women.

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She is beautiful? She is ambitious, goals, and prestige for herself… yet men only confront her for sex or don’t confront her at all? Women gossip about her and make for any moment to make her fall. She has done nothing wrong to anybody. She just wants to be loved, appreciated and taken seriously in the relationship. Why is the road for such woman is so hard? Why is true love and true friends so hard to obtain?And what must she do to keep her self-esteem from crumbling?

Beautiful women often suffer from self-esteem issues because they aren’t sure who they would be without their looks. For example, they have to constantly wonder if a man is with them only because of their looks, and they don’t feel valued or seen for who they are. Men approach them constantly but these women know it’s because of their appearance so they almost feel insulted, because they feel the guy is blind to who they are and just seeing them as an object. Men will admire her physically but do not bother to want to know her mind, why? It is perceived as a hard work for a lot of men. Many men will not want to even attempt to handle such woman, so they will opt for the easiest route possible and only want to have sex with her, then disappear and never even realize that this person is a marvelous, genuine person whom would be ideal for them.

The truth is that many men find beautiful women intimidating, my classmate (male) recently said, “Lina, we are more intimidated by beautiful woman, than by smart woman. To be with a beautiful woman, a man has to have no self-esteem issues and be very confident”.  I have to agree, otherwise the door to insecurity opens up pretty wide and relationship crumbles, sometimes before even starting. All man really needs is to be calm, self assured and totally genuinely love and trust his woman.

As for women, it is envy, she has it all as far as they can see, they want it and don’t have “the gift” so what do they do? Gossip about her and secretly wish she would fail at something or be lowered somehow.

However, to the beautiful but lonely women out there, you absolutely must keep your self-esteem, self value and realize that you have real value to someone, that someday you “prince” will arrive, love and trust you genuinely, deeply, totally and sweep you off your feet to the romantic love life you always dreamed about in your lonely hours, it can and it will happen to you, time is the master here. There is a man out there that who will see you value, your qualities and not be at all intimidated by you, in fact it will be complete opposite, it will be a case of “total crazy emotional attraction” to you. Someday it all will happen.

 

I have been wearing glasses for the past 6 years, and i always felt shy about wearing them, mainly because somehow they made me feel… vulnerable, i guess… 

But recently i realized that in fashion “nerdy” look is very much in, especially for the last couple of years. so it made me think, which is better, more fashionable and attracts attention: contacts or glasses?

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Awhile ago, women that wore glasses were perceived as “boring” and “no fun”.  “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses” (Dorothy Parker). However, “seldom” isn’t “never.” So, i decided to research and see what men think about women wearing glasses, is it attractive or “boring”. Here are some comments from men:

  • “As much as they’re attracted to women without glasses. The glasses don’t make the difference, their personality and the rest of their appearance does. 
    The problem is that some women wearing glasses have given up on finding anyone, so they don’t put any effort in their appearance anymore. Thus the issue here is not the glasses, but the general attitude of these women.” 
  • “haha i have glasses and i think i look so weird with them and all the girls laugh at me for it lol. but i’m a guy and i do think glasses are sexy and attractive because they bring all the attention to a girls eyes and face and when you pay attention to her eyes you also notice all of the beauty in her face. so my answer is a girl with glasses is definitely a plus. hope this helps, Good Luck :)”
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    “Depends on the woman. It definitely depends on the style per woman if she can pull it off or not.
    It definitely can help boost appearance, especially to hide shaded eyes from too little sleep.
    That said, its not really a turn off or a turn on so much as it is an accessory that can make or break an outfit or a look. “
  • “Depends. its more about whose behind the glasses to me though…”
  • “I honestly believe that women who wear glasses are extremely attractive. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I find women who do not wear glasses any less attractive, it’s just something about women with glasses. I think it has to do with the studious and brainy look. The look of an intelligent and sophisticated woman who I could have long and serious talks with or team up with as a study buddy. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that a lot of girls who wear glasses are the nice, reserved type who may work at a charity when not having a prolonged Saturday afternoon study session at a library. Some of these girls tend to be a little on the prudish side and are often ignored by other guys because they are “boring.” I have always had a soft spot in my heart for such women. I guess it has a lot to do with me being old fashioned and wanting that “nice girl” that I could be affectionate it with unconditionally and have that affection returned in kind. As well as being best friends to each other. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and I am quite aware that there are many girls who wear glasses that are not smart nor kind. And it seems as if the secret is out as more bad boys are pursuing women who wear glasses and more bad women are donning glasses to ensnare nice guys and break their hearts. For those of you women who wear glasses but think that no guy will ever like you because you do, I just want you to know that you are wrong. I’m positive proof of that. Women who wear glasses aren’t attractive? Only someone dense would believe that. ” (source:http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Like-Girls-Who-Wear-Glasses/1659874)

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I think as a whole, people wearing glasses are so in place in our society that we do not see them as a detractor to one’s own beauty and awesomeness, male or female, that for someone to wear glasses doesn’t make one stand out in a way to place them in a social clique the way people used to label people who did. I think staying true to yourself and what makes you comfortable that is what makes people attractive and “sexy”.  And it does not matter if you wear contacts or glasses. Society changes its mind and fashion a lot and we need to learn how to love ourselves for who we are and how to be comfortable in our own skin, without trying to please and fit in its “frame”

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P.S. Women opinion on man wearing glasses 🙂

“Who would have thought geek would be chic? According to studies by the University of Stockholm, women are more attracted to men who wear glasses than those who don’t. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why — they appear intelligent. And, if a man is intelligent, it means he’ll more than likely mentally stimulate his woman. Many women will tell you there’s nothing quite like a witty, smart conversation to impress them.
The lure of intelligence has also got to do with biology. Researchers in New Mexico gave 400 Vietnam War veterans extensive mental tests and later (weirdly enough) asked them to provide sperm samples. The results showed that the men who scored the highest in the intelligence tests also had the highest counts of healthy sperm. Hmm, now you have a reason to trade your contact lenses for eyeglasses.”

Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_300/350b_the-surprising-things-that-attract-her.html#ixzz2apeR99OD