Posts Tagged ‘мужчины’

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People that know me, know that i am very fascinated by the human nature, by people’s interactions and the main question is “Why?” Sometimes i feel like a two year old kid that constantly asks his parents the most annoying question, “why this or why that.” I try to find the answers on my questions in books, and so far it has been working…

Todays question that i asked myself and couple of my friends is, “Why some women yell and scream during an argument with men? And why some are not…”

Since my recent life changes i have been living with my sister. We both have same mom and dad, but yet… we are so different in many ways. One of the difference that we have is the expression of our emotions. I am “still waters” like my mom always says, i am quite, reserved, don’t like any arguments and try to avoid them at any cost. Yelling to me is like a red flag, it makes me irritated, annoyed, and i stop respecting that person. When i get angry, and i do get angry, it is not that i am immune to emotions, i go to the ladies room, look in a mirror, grab the counter, then close my eyes and compose myself… sometimes i can even growl a little to get the frustration out, and afterward i am fine. But i guess i do not let go easily, if i was hurt, or lied to i will remember it, i forgive but not forget. My sister, is loud… Emotions are going out constantly as loud as possible, but also she calms down fast. So in our family we learned to ignore it… she is just who she is – loud 🙂

But living together, i started wondering, why does that happen. We both grew up in same environment, same parents, so why do we deal with emotions on such different level?..

I asked couple of my male friends as to their opinion on why women yell and scream during arguments. Here is a basic summary: 

  • “What i think… The main reason is to counter balance the natural physical massive strength of the men… Like small dogs that scream to big dogs…Knowing that they cannot win physically… it is a way of making psychological pressure…”
  • “…Depending on the situation… When women know that they are in a weak position, they use the card of “screaming and being hysterical” because they want to cut the lost discussion…”
  • “…pure pressure. some men afraid of women emotions, so they give in their demands, just to avoid argument.. and women use it as a weapon…”
  • Diana König, journalist and broadcasting author, writes: “If the scream of babies is their first communication method, then is the scream of adults a recession from communication. By screaming, in the opposite of calling, the voice becomes overloaded, over amplified, and it loses it’s control, it’s fundamental sound”.The scream is there before language and it appears where the language reaches its limits.
  • Allen S. Weiss, writer, notes: “The scream reveals the chaotic depths of linguistic and vocal systems”. The use of the term “chaotic” makes assimilations to un control or not wanting to control and that as a vocal expression, is related to scream.
  • Elaine Scarry, writer and literature professor, talks about language in connection to pain and she thinks that pain almost destroys the language because it brings us back into a state where sounds and screams are dominating as they where our means of communication before we learned how to speak. Pain cannot actually be communicated, as it is a personal experience and can only be experienced individually. Pain, as any other concept is actually an individual experience that can only be communicated as an idea and it also is to be interpreted as.

I agree to certain degree with all of the points above, but reading through psychology articles and research, i realized  that i will never find a distinctive answer to my question as to “why?”, i have to accept we are all different and we handle our emotions differently. I could talk on this topic for hours, discussing different scenarios and situations and still would come to the same conclusion – we are all unique, each in our own way, and we need to respect our differences… And by that i mean, not raise voice to the yelling point… We all are emotional creatures, some more emotional, some less, and raised voice is an abusive gesture no matter what the reasoning behind it is… Yes, there is situation in life that probably require such measures, but i believe that with little communication many disagreements can be resolved. 

But sometimes i wonder, who really wins, me – the one that controls my emotions and holds them in, or my sister that lets her emotions out and gets over it?.. In my opinion emotions are like a by-product of the neural regulation of the autonomic nervous system. There should be an outlet for emotions that stored in I would guess, otherwise they would remind of a soda bottle that if you shake it a little – it blows up 🙂 I think my outlet is creating, putting the negative and positive emotions to work and creating projects, art, sewing, painting, cleaning, hiking,  anything that burns off the energy. So maybe finding a correct outlet would make person more content and emotionally stable…

 

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– Would you be jealous if I thought of any woman from my past , being next to you ? Would you worry that I can get away from you to her ?

 – No .

– I guess you do not love me .

– You do not know what you say. Love has nothing to do with jealousy and fear of losing . I love you, but if you want to leave because you can not forget the other woman – it will be good . This will be true. Because if you had stayed , it would mean that you’re lying. If you go, it’s just going to mean that we are not right for each other , and it’s good that you’re gone . Because if you stay – you would have held the position of who is right for me . Anyone who comes to me – do not go away. There is no need to worry about. All is well .

– You’re so weird … like if you do not know how to feel and be affectionate… 

 – Love has nothing to do with attachment . Attachment and jealousy, it means i would not love myself. Fear that someone will  not fall in love with real you . You must not compare myself to anyone . You – it ‘s you. You have your own life . It is given to you. It’s a gift . Do not waste it by comparing yourself with others. This is misleading . You have to look only at yourself . Then you will not go wrong …

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— Ты стала бы ревновать, если бы я думал о какой-нибудь женщине из моего прошлого, находясь рядом с тобой? Стала бы беспокоиться о том, что я могу уйти от тебя к ней?
— Нет.
— Наверное, ты не любишь меня.
— Ты не понимаешь, о чём говоришь. Любовь не имеет ничего общего с ревностью и страхом потерять. Я люблю тебя, но если ты захочешь уйти потому, что не можешь забыть другую женщину – это будет хорошо. Это и будет правда. Потому что если бы ты остался, это означало бы то, что ты врешь. Если ты уйдешь, это просто будет значить, что мы не подходим друг другу, и это хорошо, что ты ушел. Потому что если бы ты остался – ты бы занимал место того, кто подходит мне. Тот, кто подходит мне – не уйдет. Не надо ни о чем беспокоиться. Все хорошо.
— Ты так странно любишь… Ты будто совсем не умеешь привязываться…
— Любовь не имеет ничего общего с привязанностью. Привязываться и ревновать, значит – не любить себя. Считать себя хуже кого-то, бояться, что такого как есть – тебя – не полюбят. Ты не можешь ни с кем себя сравнивать. Ты – это ты. У тебя есть cвоя жизнь. Она дана тебе. Это дар. Не трать её на сравнение с другими. Это заблуждение. Ты должен смотреть только на себя. Тогда ты не ошибешься…