Posts Tagged ‘beautiful girl’

“Quantum physics tells us that nothing that is observed is unaffected by the observer. That statement, from science, holds an enormous and powerful insight. It means that everyone sees a different truths, because everyone is creating what they see.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

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Yes, love is painful. But as C. S. Lewis suggests, we can respond to any relationship with either a closed, hellish heart, or an open, heavenly heart. If you keep your heart open, that same pain can become a purifying pain, a strengthening pain. If we choose forgiveness over bitterness, that pain can heal instead of hurt. Instead of a pain that divides, it can be a pain that binds

Here is some rules that I came up with using my past life experience…

1. When it arrives, cherish it.

2. Whatever you accept, you will get

3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.

4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.

5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.

6. Accept and forgive easily.

7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.

8. Never be too busy for each other.

9. Do not punish.

10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.

11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.

12. Support each other when the going gets tough.

13. Live in the moment—be present.

14. Leave the past where it belongs.

15. Leave drama out of it.

16) Don’t try to control

17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.

18. Don’t use comparisons.

19. Celebrate differences.

20. Communicate openly and honestly.

21. Listen very carefully.

22. Don’t judge.

23. Don’t manipulate to get results.

24. Learn and grow.

25. Don’t try to change each other.

26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.

27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.

28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.

29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.

30. Instead of power, aim for balance.

31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.

32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.

33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.

34. Be each other’s best friend.

35. Don’t play mind games.

36. Do not carelessly throw away love.

37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.

38. Compliment often.

39. Discover each other.

40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.

41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.

42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.

43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.

44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.

45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.

46. Be loyal and faithful.

47. Trust.

48. Be grateful.

49. Fluidity is good, accept change.

50. Don’t sleep on a fight.

51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.

52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.

53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).

54. Give and receive without measure.

55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.

learning what love is

learning what love is

Love feels unsafe.

To the little girl within me, love is unsafe.

To her, love means hurt.

Love means pain, trauma, inconsistency, insanity, and conditions.

Love was fucked up, twisted, and tied so deep into their self-hatred, that it came out wrapped in violence, rather than gentleness and warmth. Bitterness, rather than compassion and understanding. Jealousy and resentment, rather than supportive holding and cheerleading.

The love wasn’t hers, it was theirs—it had the potential to change any moment. And generally, it did. No matter how hard my inner girl or inner teen tried, things stayed the same.

Why—and how—would they be any different, now?

I remember the first time I got told about unconditional love, about years ago:

“You don’t have to do anything for someone to love you?”

I laughed, thinking it was a joke.

When I realized it wasn’t, I felt a sudden sorrow—a deep grief—for myself.

How did I not know this?

My relationship with love had been ‘wrong’ my whole life.

An innately wise part of myself always understood unconditional love existed—as a kid, I remember watching other parents and children, knowing somewhere deep inside that what I experienced at home wasn’t the only way. Somehow I knew, beneath my wounding and fear, that things wouldn’t always be this way.

What I was experiencing was only a chapter, or two, of my Love Story.

As I’ve begun healing my youth and early adulthood, my relationship with love—towards myself and others—is rapidly changing.

I’m learning what love actually is.

But I’m in the messy stage.

My defenses, fears, past hurts, and insecurities, feel more tender and in-my-face, than ever—I can’t step round, look past, or dive through my wounding, anymore.

My need to feel safe, feels more important than any other need I have, so it governs almost everything I do.

I struggle to trust people. To believe or trust the love and time they give me, and that they—or it—won’t disappear, feels terrifying, and almost impossible, even though part of me knows it isn’t, and it won’t.

I worry that love I receive will also disappear when the person really sees me and witnesses my imperfections, so I make sure I only share the imperfections I feel safe sharing. Even though I love others for, and with, theirs, and that mine just make me human.

I notice there’s always a desire to rip apart any love or support given, by finding reasons or supposed ‘proof’ that the love wasn’t really genuine—“they were just saying that…they probably felt like they had to”—even though this habit only brings hurt, and I know it’s generally not true. And even if it is, or they were, it’s not my place to take it on.

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I take risks, show myself, and share my needs or vulnerabilities—or my authentic rawness and openness—and then freak-out by reading into people’s every move or every word. I close up, building an imaginary “wall”, or disappear for a few days/weeks, convinced I was ‘too much’. Sometimes I find myself laughing, because the theories my inner critic comes up with in these moments are so well thought out, convincing, and hilarious. Other times I find myself unable to laugh or find solid ground beneath the fear and self-judgment, worrying that what I’m believing, is definitely true.

My fear of abandonment feel so great, and so sensitive, that I avoid situations in which there is potential for abandonment—I end up avoiding and declining a lot. Sometimes the fear, or potential risk, of not feeling safe, is one I want—or feel able to—work with and compassionately notice. Other times it isn’t. This part of my relationship with love and trust and people, breaks my heart the most.

I feel like I stranger to myself and my previous life. I almost constantly feel slightly, or completely, disconnected or alone. Even though I’m not.

I let a friend in, become close, and then freak-out with fear of the close connection, and fear that I will be really seen. Sometimes I stay but keep a certain distance, to ensure I feel safe. Other times, I’ve fled out of fear they wouldn’t love me if they continued to get to know me.

I don’t value my love enough—I don’t value that my love is a gift itself.
Every time someone still shows up despite me not having ‘done’ anything, or regardless of whether I believed I was loveable the last time we hung out, or whether I’d shown my imperfections, or how many other times they’ve showed up before, a little piece of my unconditional love puzzle is put into place.

As I continue to discover just how twisted my Love Story has been until now, I continue to notice how deeply this impacts the way I love myself—the way I parent myself.I’m almost constantly noticing or realizing something different, something new.

Couple months back it suddenly hit me that I was only loving myself when I was doing or achieving things. I hadn’t realized that that part of the relationship I have with being able to be loved by others, was also the relationship I have towards being able to love myself.

I wrote this note to myself and stuck it on the wall, with the desire to love myself regardless of whether I’m doing or not doing.

I can love myself just for being.

I’m trying to trust that as this new kind of love—unconditional love—, as well as the forgiveness and acceptance it brings, begins to ripple inside myself, it’ll begin to ripple through the beliefs I have about others love for me, too—that they can love me for just being, also.

And that the people around me have been loving me this way regardless of whether I’ve been able to see it and believe it, or not.

I often feel frustrated with my process—the way that my fear and wounding has such a strong hold, and it feels like it’s taking so fucking long to ease or shift—because I long to feel able to be connected and held, rather than scared and un-seen.

When I look closely, though, things are so far from where they once were. And in my heart, I know this messiness and my wounding being so vividly here, is the beginning of truly healing.

And that can’t help but excite me and leave my worry gently soothed.

San Francisco, Pier39

San Francisco, Pier39

This statue i saw during my San Francisco trip, in some small art gallery near Pier39.

Somehow this statue had an interesting effect on me. Very rarely i meet pieces of art that touch my soul. For example, Da Vinci “Mona Lisa” was a complete disappointment to me… i guess i would have to agree, that the point of art is to “comfort disturbed and to disturb the comfortable…”

The emotions in this statue are incredible. Yes, many visual art forms with families, couples and babies are “cute”, but they never really touched my heart, they all were missing something for me, and i never considered them “cute”, but this particular statue somehow is different to me, it feels different…

This particular art piece, radiates pure and unconditional love in my opinion. And not because there is mother and a baby, but the way a male figure barely touches the female, at the same time having the look in his face that any woman wants to be looked like at, pure love.

We all, looking for one thing in life, love.

But not just anyone can allow love in…

“If we listen to our intellect,

we’d never have a love affair.

We’d never have friendship.

We’d never go into business,

because we’d be too cynical.

Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got

to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down”

             ~ Annie Dillard

dont let her go

I can teach you how to love me.

If you take the time and truly want to know. I can teach you what each of my head tilts mean. I can teach you all the secrets of my body. I can teach you how to handle me when i am moody, how to console me when i am crying, what to say when i act strange or distant around you.

I can show you my wicked smile, the one that only comes out sometimes, the one i put on only when the root at the base of me and all the darkness of the world come prancing up on my spine when i have to let it wiggle and scream because without that it would consume me, as i become the immediate channel for something great and deep and wide and appalling.

I can teach you why and how it hurts when i don’t get attention. I can teach you, that sometimes i will push you away, but inside i will slowly die because i do not want that, and i regret every moment and secretly hope you will not listen and will not go… that in reality i want you to hold me tight and lift me in your arms, and never let me go… i want you to fight for me…

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I can teach you how while i have claws, i have choice about when i use them, i can teach you how to declaw me faster and better each time.I can teach you how to preempt my tantrums, how to make it safe for me to come out and play, how to bring forth my love like shining beacon of depth and warmth and delight and freedom.

I can teach you what to do when i reach for you – or maybe you already know. Maybe there are things you already know about me, about how to be with me, just from the way i move or sit or stand or share or the way i light up or shut down.

I can teach you these things, offer them up like so many pebbles, worn and smooth and pure, because i found them and ground them away down into their essence, made them soft by my own tears and trauma. I can bring them to you like a secret offering, fetching from depth of my soul and my anguish, inspired and transpired by the innocence with witch a child places total trust and responsibility in the hands of people who don’t and can’t know everything right all the time.

I learned these things, in fact, to teach you.

When it was hard and i wanted to stop and i wanted it to stop and i wanted to make it stop, when i wanted to arrest the humiliation or destroy the awakening or hold onto the hate or shutter the screams or beat my fists across walls or cover my ears and board up my eyes and silence my mouth forever, i thought of …

The only thing i need from you, the only gift i need you to give me, the only rendition and chorus i require, is for you to ask…

I need you to ask.

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I didn’t know i was beautiful, i mean as a kid i was terribly shy and no beauty, even in junior high i was an ugly duckling at least that is how i felt. Looking back now i can see i was becoming beautiful but i didn’t know it, i was insecure and my family made me feel like i was “usual”, “nothing special”.  I never had much friends and always felt that there was something wrong with me, which made me feel insecure. I would only get hit on by guys that were only interested in my exterior and flirting…

It took me years to realize that I am beautiful…not just on the outside but on the inside as well, which is more important. Everyday I am told I am beautiful wether its from a coworker or total stranger and the compliments don’t come just from men. I catch women stare at me, some even come up to me on the street and say “ I am not gay or anything, but you are really beautiful”. I do not think that is purely physical, I am very intelligent and kind, and people say it “shines through”.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I just don’t see it. I know I am not ugly but I do not see what they are seeing. And the part about always being suspicious of a man’s intentions is true. It takes me a long time to to trust someone as I have put my heart and feelings out there for close people to have it stomped on.  I am not writing this to get sympathy, I just want to find answers as to why this happens and find a way to avoid the loneliness…

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To start my research I decided to find out what the word “loneliness” mean, here is the wikipedia description: “ Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental, emotional, and spiritual factors”

 Then I went to google and read forum conversations from different sites for hours as to what people say. And here are some quotes:

“Nobody ever asks me out. Perhaps I should leave the bag on my head when I am about town” – CottonCandle, San Francisco

“Before I got together with my current S.O., I haven’t been on a date in 5 years” – Kitty Katia, Las Vegas

“I wouldn’t call them lonely. I do think there’s something to it in the sense that most guys are intimidated to approach certain girls. Ironically I think most assume that since they look great, they must already be with someone.” – R Marquez, San Francisco

“It’s absolutely true about the guys being afraid to approach. I usually need to give a CLEAR green light for any guy to hit on me” & “I’ve always told my guy friends… the big secret is really hot women are EASIER to tie down than average ones, because most guys think they can’t and don’t even try” – Sabrina Maree, West Hollywood

“Yeah, some guys don’t believe that I am attracted to them, even when I clearly am hitting on them. One guy put me through a serious of tests, like having friends question me as to if I was truly interested and why… But I mean, what the hell could my motive be? Wasn’t like he had money I could be after! WTH? But that’s weird to me how they won’t believe…” – Ararity, NY

I even found couple comments from man, here is one that struck me: “It seems to me the more beautiful they are the more evil and stuck on themselves they are. They say they are lonely because they can’t have what they want, they’re greedy, superficial and snotty. They think that a has to be wealthy or a supermodel to even talk to them. If you look at a beautiful woman they get an attitude like what are you looking at…” – thomasedwin

Yes, there are women like that, sadly man like Thomasedwin get burned and lose trust in women. First of all it depends on the definition of “beauty”, I believe beauty can be shown not only in physical attributes but mostly it is characteristics that can be seen with our subconsciousness  we just need to learn how to recognize it. I believe most of us met people that might not be beautiful when we first look at them, but the moment we start to communicate and look at them more closely, we notice that they are the most amazing people and all of a sudden we get really attracted to that person. So yes, I believe beauty can be “shining through” from inside.

But lets get back to the physically beautiful women.

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She is beautiful? She is ambitious, goals, and prestige for herself… yet men only confront her for sex or don’t confront her at all? Women gossip about her and make for any moment to make her fall. She has done nothing wrong to anybody. She just wants to be loved, appreciated and taken seriously in the relationship. Why is the road for such woman is so hard? Why is true love and true friends so hard to obtain?And what must she do to keep her self-esteem from crumbling?

Beautiful women often suffer from self-esteem issues because they aren’t sure who they would be without their looks. For example, they have to constantly wonder if a man is with them only because of their looks, and they don’t feel valued or seen for who they are. Men approach them constantly but these women know it’s because of their appearance so they almost feel insulted, because they feel the guy is blind to who they are and just seeing them as an object. Men will admire her physically but do not bother to want to know her mind, why? It is perceived as a hard work for a lot of men. Many men will not want to even attempt to handle such woman, so they will opt for the easiest route possible and only want to have sex with her, then disappear and never even realize that this person is a marvelous, genuine person whom would be ideal for them.

The truth is that many men find beautiful women intimidating, my classmate (male) recently said, “Lina, we are more intimidated by beautiful woman, than by smart woman. To be with a beautiful woman, a man has to have no self-esteem issues and be very confident”.  I have to agree, otherwise the door to insecurity opens up pretty wide and relationship crumbles, sometimes before even starting. All man really needs is to be calm, self assured and totally genuinely love and trust his woman.

As for women, it is envy, she has it all as far as they can see, they want it and don’t have “the gift” so what do they do? Gossip about her and secretly wish she would fail at something or be lowered somehow.

However, to the beautiful but lonely women out there, you absolutely must keep your self-esteem, self value and realize that you have real value to someone, that someday you “prince” will arrive, love and trust you genuinely, deeply, totally and sweep you off your feet to the romantic love life you always dreamed about in your lonely hours, it can and it will happen to you, time is the master here. There is a man out there that who will see you value, your qualities and not be at all intimidated by you, in fact it will be complete opposite, it will be a case of “total crazy emotional attraction” to you. Someday it all will happen.