Posts Tagged ‘choices’

"Shells"

“Shells” by Lina Way

“Masquerades disclose the reality of souls. As long as no one sees who we are, we can tell the most intimate details of our life. I sometimes muse over this sketch of a story about a man afflicted by one of those personal tragedies born of extreme shyness who one day, while wearing a mask I don’t know where, told another mask all the most personal, most secret, most unthinkable things that could be told about his tragic and serene life. And since no outward detail would give him away, he having disguised even his voice, and since he didn’t take careful note of whoever had listened to him, he could enjoy the ample sensation of knowing that somewhere in the world there was someone who knew him as not even his closest and finest friend did. When he walked down the street he would ask himself if this person, or that one, or that person over there might not be the one to whom he’d once, wearing a mask, told his most private life. Thus would be born in him a new interest in each person, since each person might be his only, unknown confidant.”
― Fernando Pessoa

interestingly so, it is sometimes said that the four greatest Portuguese poets of modern times are Fernando Pessoa. The statement is possible since Pessoa, whose name means ‘person’ in Portuguese, had three alter egos who wrote in styles completely different from his own. In fact Pessoa wrote under dozens of names, but Alberto Caeiro,Ricardo Reis and Álvaro de Campos were – their creator claimed – full-fledged individuals who wrote things that he himself would never or could never write. He dubbed them ‘heteronyms’ rather than pseudonyms, since they were not false names but “other names”, belonging to distinct literary personalities. Not only were their styles different; they thought differently, they had different religious and political views, different aesthetic sensibilities, different social temperaments. And each produced a large body of poetry. Álvaro de Campos and Ricardo Reis also signed dozens of pages of prose. Who is better that Fernando Pessoa can understand the concept of “wearing a mask”…

We are all to a certain degree, if we are willing to admit to it or not, are wearing masks, hiding in our “shells”, afraid to show our true selves. Is it the society pressuring us to oblige and fit in, our our own minds what to be accepted?.. Yes, many try to “stand up” to majority of the society by being accepted in minority part of the society, which is still trying to be accepted in this or that “popular” club…

Why can’t we be just ourselves? isn’t that the ultimate freedom to be YOU, not to try pleasing coworkers, friends, family, loved ones (especially loved ones, they love to abuse their right they have in our hearts 🙂 ) why can’t we say that this we love, and this we hate and be perceived by our circle as just truthful person, not a “crazy nut”?!.. Why can’t we all as human society accept that each and every person has its own free will and just be ourselves, not hide behind “masks” and “shells”…?…

Advertisements
carrot egg and coffee
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”
“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. “What’s the point,grandmother?”
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity–boiling water–but each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.
“When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

Sade

I am waiting to get my car serviced and i am listening to Sade songs, and i must confess: I am obsessed with Sade.

I’m also a huge fan of her music…and I believe in love.

To get a glimpse into the many faces of love, we can look to Sade’s music, specifically to some of her deeply moving lyrics. There’s a resonance that is quintessentially Sade; she’s deep, sincere and soulful.

Over the years, I’ve gleaned many nuggets of truth about life and love through Sade’s music. These are a few things I’ve learned about love from my most favorite lines in her songs.

“I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul.” ~ King of Sorrow

Love is nourishing. Deep down, we all want a love that touches the very depth of our soul. We also yearn to give a part of us that will touch the hearts of our partner/lover/friend. To nourish is to share a part of ourselves with our beloved in a way that says, “Let my love feed your soul.”

“When you’re on the outside baby and you can’t get in, I will show you you’re so much better than you know. And when you’re lost, and you’re alone, and you can’t get back again, I will find you, darling and I’ll bring you home.” ~ By Your Side

Love is a guiding light. When we forget who we are, love is the gentle reminder that we are bigger than our troubles. It’s the light that leads us back to the deeper truth within.

“If someone has to lose, I don’t want to play.” ~ Somebody Already Broke My Heart

Love is fair. In the game of love, many of us play not to lose instead of playing to win. No one has to lose if both parties are clear on what they desire to experience in the relationship. Love can be win/win. Honesty, clarity is important, than you do not hurt other, and yourself will not get hurt. Lets not make love a game… it is not fair to play with feelings…

“I suppose I could just walk away. Will I disappoint my future if I stay?” ~ King of Sorrow

Love is an active choice. We often overlook the present and future cost of staying in a relationship that has run its course. We can choose to love our future selves by honoring where we are now. Not making a choice is still making a choice, so choosing to move your life forward requires a commitment to making powerful decisions for yourself and your life.

“If I tell you how I feel, will you keep bringing out the best in me?” ~The Sweetest Taboo

Love is vulnerable. Being vulnerable is like dancing naked in the rain. For a relationship to flourish we must be willing to tell the truth about our shortcomings and our mistakes; those things that make us human. It’s about being able to take ownership for those things we don’t necessarily like about ourselves. Being transparent cultivates trust and openness, which creates a deeper and more meaningful relationship. If we holding back, and not allowing another in our soul, it will destroy love in another and will lead nowhere. It is the hardest choice to be vulnerable in relationship, but that is love when you hope that person will love you enough not to break you.

“We have seen some suffering baby. It has not always been perfect. Darling we know it, whatever may come, we can get through it, as if it’s just begun.” ~ All About Our Love

Love is supportive. Just as the seasons pass, there will be peaks and valleys in all of our relationships. Loved ones will get sick, some will pass on, the economy will change and so will our life circumstances. Being supportive is more than just lending an ear; it’s opening ourselves up in all of our capacities whether it be financial, emotional or spiritual support. It’s extending ourselves in a way that cultivates well-being and healing.

“You forgive those who have trespassed against you. You know tenderness comes from pain.” ~ It’s Only Love That Gets You Through

Love is healing. Forgiveness is the catalyst to healing our pain. Holding on to grudges or past hurts allows wounds to stay open, and forgiveness can end the emotional suffering we put ourselves through. Forgiveness is that pathway to peace of mind and peace of heart.

“In my heart, your love has found the safest hiding place…. Your love’s in a sacred place.” ~ The Safest Place

Love is a sanctuary. When we feel battered and broken, we can find comfort and healing in the presence of a dear friend or our beloved. We can hold the space for our loved ones to get through difficult times. When we do this, we deepen our love and compassion for one another.

“Call on me baby, if there’s anything I can do for you. Please call on me baby, help me to see you through.” ~ Still In Love With You (Thin Lizzy Cover)

Love is complete. When a relationship ends, it doesn’t have to end with both parties feeling depleted or diminished in any way. We can speak to the deeper truth of our humanity and end things peacefully. We can speak our truth(s) and stay true to our higher selves; completing the relationship in integrity.

“Your kisses ring—round and round and round my head, touching the very part of me—it’s making my soul sing.” ~ Your Love Is King

Love is freeing. As ever expanding beings, we all have a deep desire to be fully self expressed, whether we’re in love or not. When we’re free, we free up those around us. When we have souls singing together, it invites us to dance with life…and who doesn’t want to be a part of that?

What’s your favorite Sade song and what does it mean to you?

love pic

Yes, love is painful. But as C. S. Lewis suggests, we can respond to any relationship with either a closed, hellish heart, or an open, heavenly heart. If you keep your heart open, that same pain can become a purifying pain, a strengthening pain. If we choose forgiveness over bitterness, that pain can heal instead of hurt. Instead of a pain that divides, it can be a pain that binds

Here is some rules that I came up with using my past life experience…

1. When it arrives, cherish it.

2. Whatever you accept, you will get

3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.

4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.

5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.

6. Accept and forgive easily.

7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.

8. Never be too busy for each other.

9. Do not punish.

10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.

11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.

12. Support each other when the going gets tough.

13. Live in the moment—be present.

14. Leave the past where it belongs.

15. Leave drama out of it.

16) Don’t try to control

17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.

18. Don’t use comparisons.

19. Celebrate differences.

20. Communicate openly and honestly.

21. Listen very carefully.

22. Don’t judge.

23. Don’t manipulate to get results.

24. Learn and grow.

25. Don’t try to change each other.

26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.

27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.

28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.

29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.

30. Instead of power, aim for balance.

31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.

32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.

33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.

34. Be each other’s best friend.

35. Don’t play mind games.

36. Do not carelessly throw away love.

37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.

38. Compliment often.

39. Discover each other.

40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.

41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.

42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.

43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.

44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.

45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.

46. Be loyal and faithful.

47. Trust.

48. Be grateful.

49. Fluidity is good, accept change.

50. Don’t sleep on a fight.

51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.

52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.

53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).

54. Give and receive without measure.

55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.

learning what love is

learning what love is

Love feels unsafe.

To the little girl within me, love is unsafe.

To her, love means hurt.

Love means pain, trauma, inconsistency, insanity, and conditions.

Love was fucked up, twisted, and tied so deep into their self-hatred, that it came out wrapped in violence, rather than gentleness and warmth. Bitterness, rather than compassion and understanding. Jealousy and resentment, rather than supportive holding and cheerleading.

The love wasn’t hers, it was theirs—it had the potential to change any moment. And generally, it did. No matter how hard my inner girl or inner teen tried, things stayed the same.

Why—and how—would they be any different, now?

I remember the first time I got told about unconditional love, about years ago:

“You don’t have to do anything for someone to love you?”

I laughed, thinking it was a joke.

When I realized it wasn’t, I felt a sudden sorrow—a deep grief—for myself.

How did I not know this?

My relationship with love had been ‘wrong’ my whole life.

An innately wise part of myself always understood unconditional love existed—as a kid, I remember watching other parents and children, knowing somewhere deep inside that what I experienced at home wasn’t the only way. Somehow I knew, beneath my wounding and fear, that things wouldn’t always be this way.

What I was experiencing was only a chapter, or two, of my Love Story.

As I’ve begun healing my youth and early adulthood, my relationship with love—towards myself and others—is rapidly changing.

I’m learning what love actually is.

But I’m in the messy stage.

My defenses, fears, past hurts, and insecurities, feel more tender and in-my-face, than ever—I can’t step round, look past, or dive through my wounding, anymore.

My need to feel safe, feels more important than any other need I have, so it governs almost everything I do.

I struggle to trust people. To believe or trust the love and time they give me, and that they—or it—won’t disappear, feels terrifying, and almost impossible, even though part of me knows it isn’t, and it won’t.

I worry that love I receive will also disappear when the person really sees me and witnesses my imperfections, so I make sure I only share the imperfections I feel safe sharing. Even though I love others for, and with, theirs, and that mine just make me human.

I notice there’s always a desire to rip apart any love or support given, by finding reasons or supposed ‘proof’ that the love wasn’t really genuine—“they were just saying that…they probably felt like they had to”—even though this habit only brings hurt, and I know it’s generally not true. And even if it is, or they were, it’s not my place to take it on.

alone

I take risks, show myself, and share my needs or vulnerabilities—or my authentic rawness and openness—and then freak-out by reading into people’s every move or every word. I close up, building an imaginary “wall”, or disappear for a few days/weeks, convinced I was ‘too much’. Sometimes I find myself laughing, because the theories my inner critic comes up with in these moments are so well thought out, convincing, and hilarious. Other times I find myself unable to laugh or find solid ground beneath the fear and self-judgment, worrying that what I’m believing, is definitely true.

My fear of abandonment feel so great, and so sensitive, that I avoid situations in which there is potential for abandonment—I end up avoiding and declining a lot. Sometimes the fear, or potential risk, of not feeling safe, is one I want—or feel able to—work with and compassionately notice. Other times it isn’t. This part of my relationship with love and trust and people, breaks my heart the most.

I feel like I stranger to myself and my previous life. I almost constantly feel slightly, or completely, disconnected or alone. Even though I’m not.

I let a friend in, become close, and then freak-out with fear of the close connection, and fear that I will be really seen. Sometimes I stay but keep a certain distance, to ensure I feel safe. Other times, I’ve fled out of fear they wouldn’t love me if they continued to get to know me.

I don’t value my love enough—I don’t value that my love is a gift itself.
Every time someone still shows up despite me not having ‘done’ anything, or regardless of whether I believed I was loveable the last time we hung out, or whether I’d shown my imperfections, or how many other times they’ve showed up before, a little piece of my unconditional love puzzle is put into place.

As I continue to discover just how twisted my Love Story has been until now, I continue to notice how deeply this impacts the way I love myself—the way I parent myself.I’m almost constantly noticing or realizing something different, something new.

Couple months back it suddenly hit me that I was only loving myself when I was doing or achieving things. I hadn’t realized that that part of the relationship I have with being able to be loved by others, was also the relationship I have towards being able to love myself.

I wrote this note to myself and stuck it on the wall, with the desire to love myself regardless of whether I’m doing or not doing.

I can love myself just for being.

I’m trying to trust that as this new kind of love—unconditional love—, as well as the forgiveness and acceptance it brings, begins to ripple inside myself, it’ll begin to ripple through the beliefs I have about others love for me, too—that they can love me for just being, also.

And that the people around me have been loving me this way regardless of whether I’ve been able to see it and believe it, or not.

I often feel frustrated with my process—the way that my fear and wounding has such a strong hold, and it feels like it’s taking so fucking long to ease or shift—because I long to feel able to be connected and held, rather than scared and un-seen.

When I look closely, though, things are so far from where they once were. And in my heart, I know this messiness and my wounding being so vividly here, is the beginning of truly healing.

And that can’t help but excite me and leave my worry gently soothed.

head-vs-heart

Dear Heart,

I have a vein to pick with you, as I’m feeling pretty insecure and unsafe about a few things.

As you know I cut you out of my life for years because your desires were too big for me to handle and I was not strong enough to support and manifest them.

However after a painful game of tug of war, your strength eventually outweighed mine.

I surrendered respectfully and we re-connected. I listened to your every wish and did what you asked, as much as it broke my ego from every direction. I became your servant and your organizer and everyone thought I was mad for the choices I made.

I left my relationship, my career, I moved, I travelled.

I shocked everyone! I felt love again, true passion. I found my creativity, I found myself.

Things have been great. Now you want change again? You’re teasing me with dreams of far away places as I close my eyes to rest. You whisper in my ear as I’m waking up. You want me to uproot and explore again.

Why? Don’t you think about the future? Do you even have a plan?

If you are all about love, then why do you make me do things that hurt?

Why do you draw me towards people and then ask me to let go? Don’t you realize this breaks their heart? And mine too? It breaks you!

Why do you inflict so much pain on yourself?

Heart, sometimes I wish you were content with clothes, cooking and children like the other women. Don’t you realize people think we’re lost, reckless, crazy?

Heart, you’re too wild for me. But I promised I’d always listen to you. Please just tell me everything is going to be okay.

Yours truly,

Head x

***

Darling Head,

I know it seemed like my desires were too much for you to handle, but they were never too big, you just allowed fear to make the final decision every time until we eventually disconnected.

You see Head, all I see from down here are opportunities to experience love and to grow. This requires change, movement. Either we’re moving deeper into something, or moving on from something.

I’m here to push you out of your comfort zone.

The pain is the cracking open as I become vulnerable, expand to my absolute limits of love, learn to accept love in, or let it achingly pour out.

Love is constantly connecting us to and moving us on from people and experiences. Some connections last a lifetime, others last only a moment. It’s painful to accept that some things don’t last forever.

There is beauty in this pain.

Let other people think we are lost. The truth is, their hearts may be just as wild, they just haven’t been brave enough to really listen. The laws of the heart are too divine for us to understand, they are beyond time and space, they exist only in the moment, they don’t need a plan, they are the plan.

If we continue to be fearless and move with the flow of love, I promise you—everything is going to be okay.

Love,

Heart x

(ref. Annalise McLean)

San Francisco, Pier39

San Francisco, Pier39

This statue i saw during my San Francisco trip, in some small art gallery near Pier39.

Somehow this statue had an interesting effect on me. Very rarely i meet pieces of art that touch my soul. For example, Da Vinci “Mona Lisa” was a complete disappointment to me… i guess i would have to agree, that the point of art is to “comfort disturbed and to disturb the comfortable…”

The emotions in this statue are incredible. Yes, many visual art forms with families, couples and babies are “cute”, but they never really touched my heart, they all were missing something for me, and i never considered them “cute”, but this particular statue somehow is different to me, it feels different…

This particular art piece, radiates pure and unconditional love in my opinion. And not because there is mother and a baby, but the way a male figure barely touches the female, at the same time having the look in his face that any woman wants to be looked like at, pure love.

We all, looking for one thing in life, love.

But not just anyone can allow love in…

“If we listen to our intellect,

we’d never have a love affair.

We’d never have friendship.

We’d never go into business,

because we’d be too cynical.

Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got

to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down”

             ~ Annie Dillard