Posts Tagged ‘couples’

dont let her go

I can teach you how to love me.

If you take the time and truly want to know. I can teach you what each of my head tilts mean. I can teach you all the secrets of my body. I can teach you how to handle me when i am moody, how to console me when i am crying, what to say when i act strange or distant around you.

I can show you my wicked smile, the one that only comes out sometimes, the one i put on only when the root at the base of me and all the darkness of the world come prancing up on my spine when i have to let it wiggle and scream because without that it would consume me, as i become the immediate channel for something great and deep and wide and appalling.

I can teach you why and how it hurts when i don’t get attention. I can teach you, that sometimes i will push you away, but inside i will slowly die because i do not want that, and i regret every moment and secretly hope you will not listen and will not go… that in reality i want you to hold me tight and lift me in your arms, and never let me go… i want you to fight for me…

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I can teach you how while i have claws, i have choice about when i use them, i can teach you how to declaw me faster and better each time.I can teach you how to preempt my tantrums, how to make it safe for me to come out and play, how to bring forth my love like shining beacon of depth and warmth and delight and freedom.

I can teach you what to do when i reach for you – or maybe you already know. Maybe there are things you already know about me, about how to be with me, just from the way i move or sit or stand or share or the way i light up or shut down.

I can teach you these things, offer them up like so many pebbles, worn and smooth and pure, because i found them and ground them away down into their essence, made them soft by my own tears and trauma. I can bring them to you like a secret offering, fetching from depth of my soul and my anguish, inspired and transpired by the innocence with witch a child places total trust and responsibility in the hands of people who don’t and can’t know everything right all the time.

I learned these things, in fact, to teach you.

When it was hard and i wanted to stop and i wanted it to stop and i wanted to make it stop, when i wanted to arrest the humiliation or destroy the awakening or hold onto the hate or shutter the screams or beat my fists across walls or cover my ears and board up my eyes and silence my mouth forever, i thought of …

The only thing i need from you, the only gift i need you to give me, the only rendition and chorus i require, is for you to ask…

I need you to ask.

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“He who contemplates the depths of Paris is seized with vertigo.

Nothing is more fantastic. Nothing is more tragic.

Nothing is more sublime.”

― Victor Hugo

“A walk about Paris will provide lessons in history, beauty, and in the point of Life.”

― Thomas Jefferson

Paris… i spend 2 weeks there… living in the apartment, taking a metro, having coffee in brasserie,  walking around history and thinking… The city, definitely makes you think about yourself and “the point of life” as Thomas Jefferson said.

The feeling that The City gives you, i believe she is not actually giving us a particular feeling, it more of a wayfinding in touch with yourself… Everything you have inside all of a sudden comes out and makes you feel this rush of emotions, feelings, understanding and confusing at the same time. Paris brings it all out in an open space to your mind where you not always ready to deal with what is coming your way…

I think Paris is one of those places that can amplify whatever you are feeling – so if you go in love with the idea of visiting the city of your dreams, that will be reflected in your experience. If you go as a couple in love… all the rush of feeling “in love” will be magnified.  And if you are melancholy from being alone, you might end up crying over your fate. Sometimes we get caught up in illusion of romantic City, where magic happens.  But i think it is better to visit Paris alone the first time. Just be yourself and feel her. What i think is, that Paris in a way a soulmate to all and each one of us… Paris is not a perfect fit like in a mediocre understanding of a word “soulmate” is, she is like a mirror, something that shows you everything that is holding you back… She brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. I think everyone in their lifetime should visit Paris, because this city, when you let her in your life… somehow becomes part of you, and she reveals layer of yourself to you that you never expected to see or even know it existed.

How many minds opened, how many hearts brought to maturity, how many powerful natures fulfilled!…No matter where we look, Paris turns out to have been the decisive element. Without Paris, Jefferson would not be Jefferson, Franklin would not be Franklin, Chopin would not be Chopin…Freud would not be Freud…Picasso would not be Picasso. That list could be remade a hundred times over, and in almost every domain of human activity. The role of Paris in all this is active, not passive. The people I have named did not ‘have a good time’ in Paris. Paris drove them to give of their best and defied them to fall short of it… Paris broke them down, teared them apart and broke their hearts open so new light could get in… That is the true romance.

I do not think that after visiting Paris i became a new person, or that i had the most amazing time there… no. But i must say, i cannot stop thinking about her, about the streets and uneasy feeling i felt during my visit. The reasons could be different, the mind set i was in when i came to Paris, uneasy life situations… anything can be discussed for hours… but to me i am glad i had this wonderful experience and i hope that my next trip to Paris will be not to try figure myself out, but to enjoy sunset walks, public kisses, and romantic side of Paris. I believe that for now Paris did what had to be done to me at this period of my life… to tear down my walls and bring out all the feelings that were deep inside, to decide as to what i want in life and why, to see my heart from inside out and to understand my mind, to make my heart and mind work as one… It is raw now, and painful, and broken… so i hope now i can let the light in, finally… to feel in heart what it never felt before…