Posts Tagged ‘falling’

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I feel paralyzed…. I cannot feel my hands…my body… It is pulling me! I try to hold on, trying to grab any branch of logic and pull myself out. It is swirling and pulling me… Telling me let go and not fight it…. Just let go and feel… Limbo…But I am scared, no, I am more than scared I am terrified!  This is nothing like falling down the hole as Alice in wonderland, it is dark, magnetic, paralyzing abyss… I cannot breathe, it makes my body feel so light, like feather and I feel my fall, I feel with every cell of my body I feel this vacuum swirling hole puling me…. I put an incredible effort, it is painful, it takes almost unreal force and energy… To open my eyes and pull myself out of this dream…

I am scared beyond any logic, I am shaking… I am not cold…. I am terrified! I hold my knees, I try to become a ball and feel my body again! My eyes wide open and I remember this dream. I haven’t  had it in years, but I know I had it before. The first time I remember this dream when I was 3. I woke up screaming and could not explain to my parents what scared me. I remember I could not breathe then and was paralyzed with fear, that my mother took me to the bathroom and shoved me under cold water until I could feel and started shivering and crying. Since that time I had this dream couple of times and I have been able to pull back and not tell anyone that it haunts me.

But then for over 15 years now I did not see it again… I thought it was gone forever. Actually I stopped having dreams at all, or if I had a dream of any kind, I knew that in couple years it will happen and I call it a déjàvu. But not with this abyss. It is overpowering and takes you all… It is a big, dark, circling swirl and it sucks you in fast and with incredible force….

Maybe I should stop fighting it. Why am I so scared of it? Maybe I should let it consume me all and dive into it?.. It is illogical and does not make any sense, but does life makes sense sometimes? Does our beating hearts make sense? Does our incredible brain makes logical sense? Does us as human beings, that created so incredibly smart… Can logic explain it? No… But we exist and no scientist could create anything remotely close to what we are… We don’t make sense but we exist. Maybe I need to take a leap of faith and just let it take me. Why I fear it so much? Why I fear being taken and belong to something… Someone…. Why I have to hold on to my logic and not just listen to my heart and stop trying to  understand everything… It is not possible anyway… Something our brain cannot explain and knowing bible as well as I do I understand why, but it does not make it easier to just believe.

Why i cannot trust… why i cannot just believe and have faith in life?

Recently in my life i had too many dejavu and too many coincidences that puzzles me and makes me feel like this abyss becomes rather a reality not just a dream. For the past weeks my mind slowly being consumed by it… About 3 weeks ago i walked in my home, and my mother looked at me and said that i look like i have been “taken”… i asked what she meant, and she could not accurately describe it, she just said it is in my eyes… i giggled and said it was nonsense…. but is it? now i think about it all morning, for hours now… and every word, every action, every dejavu falls into a puzzle – picture… but do i want to see what will come out? do i want to feel it? i am afraid, i am afraid to see, to try to feel it, i want to… but it is like going inside abyss for me… terrifying! I am afraid i will give all and it will consume me completely… and will i be strong enough to pull out in time?…

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