Posts Tagged ‘lady’

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Yes, love is painful. But as C. S. Lewis suggests, we can respond to any relationship with either a closed, hellish heart, or an open, heavenly heart. If you keep your heart open, that same pain can become a purifying pain, a strengthening pain. If we choose forgiveness over bitterness, that pain can heal instead of hurt. Instead of a pain that divides, it can be a pain that binds

Here is some rules that I came up with using my past life experience…

1. When it arrives, cherish it.

2. Whatever you accept, you will get

3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.

4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.

5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.

6. Accept and forgive easily.

7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.

8. Never be too busy for each other.

9. Do not punish.

10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.

11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.

12. Support each other when the going gets tough.

13. Live in the moment—be present.

14. Leave the past where it belongs.

15. Leave drama out of it.

16) Don’t try to control

17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.

18. Don’t use comparisons.

19. Celebrate differences.

20. Communicate openly and honestly.

21. Listen very carefully.

22. Don’t judge.

23. Don’t manipulate to get results.

24. Learn and grow.

25. Don’t try to change each other.

26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.

27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.

28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.

29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.

30. Instead of power, aim for balance.

31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.

32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.

33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.

34. Be each other’s best friend.

35. Don’t play mind games.

36. Do not carelessly throw away love.

37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.

38. Compliment often.

39. Discover each other.

40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.

41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.

42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.

43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.

44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.

45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.

46. Be loyal and faithful.

47. Trust.

48. Be grateful.

49. Fluidity is good, accept change.

50. Don’t sleep on a fight.

51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.

52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.

53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).

54. Give and receive without measure.

55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.

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learning what love is

learning what love is

Love feels unsafe.

To the little girl within me, love is unsafe.

To her, love means hurt.

Love means pain, trauma, inconsistency, insanity, and conditions.

Love was fucked up, twisted, and tied so deep into their self-hatred, that it came out wrapped in violence, rather than gentleness and warmth. Bitterness, rather than compassion and understanding. Jealousy and resentment, rather than supportive holding and cheerleading.

The love wasn’t hers, it was theirs—it had the potential to change any moment. And generally, it did. No matter how hard my inner girl or inner teen tried, things stayed the same.

Why—and how—would they be any different, now?

I remember the first time I got told about unconditional love, about years ago:

“You don’t have to do anything for someone to love you?”

I laughed, thinking it was a joke.

When I realized it wasn’t, I felt a sudden sorrow—a deep grief—for myself.

How did I not know this?

My relationship with love had been ‘wrong’ my whole life.

An innately wise part of myself always understood unconditional love existed—as a kid, I remember watching other parents and children, knowing somewhere deep inside that what I experienced at home wasn’t the only way. Somehow I knew, beneath my wounding and fear, that things wouldn’t always be this way.

What I was experiencing was only a chapter, or two, of my Love Story.

As I’ve begun healing my youth and early adulthood, my relationship with love—towards myself and others—is rapidly changing.

I’m learning what love actually is.

But I’m in the messy stage.

My defenses, fears, past hurts, and insecurities, feel more tender and in-my-face, than ever—I can’t step round, look past, or dive through my wounding, anymore.

My need to feel safe, feels more important than any other need I have, so it governs almost everything I do.

I struggle to trust people. To believe or trust the love and time they give me, and that they—or it—won’t disappear, feels terrifying, and almost impossible, even though part of me knows it isn’t, and it won’t.

I worry that love I receive will also disappear when the person really sees me and witnesses my imperfections, so I make sure I only share the imperfections I feel safe sharing. Even though I love others for, and with, theirs, and that mine just make me human.

I notice there’s always a desire to rip apart any love or support given, by finding reasons or supposed ‘proof’ that the love wasn’t really genuine—“they were just saying that…they probably felt like they had to”—even though this habit only brings hurt, and I know it’s generally not true. And even if it is, or they were, it’s not my place to take it on.

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I take risks, show myself, and share my needs or vulnerabilities—or my authentic rawness and openness—and then freak-out by reading into people’s every move or every word. I close up, building an imaginary “wall”, or disappear for a few days/weeks, convinced I was ‘too much’. Sometimes I find myself laughing, because the theories my inner critic comes up with in these moments are so well thought out, convincing, and hilarious. Other times I find myself unable to laugh or find solid ground beneath the fear and self-judgment, worrying that what I’m believing, is definitely true.

My fear of abandonment feel so great, and so sensitive, that I avoid situations in which there is potential for abandonment—I end up avoiding and declining a lot. Sometimes the fear, or potential risk, of not feeling safe, is one I want—or feel able to—work with and compassionately notice. Other times it isn’t. This part of my relationship with love and trust and people, breaks my heart the most.

I feel like I stranger to myself and my previous life. I almost constantly feel slightly, or completely, disconnected or alone. Even though I’m not.

I let a friend in, become close, and then freak-out with fear of the close connection, and fear that I will be really seen. Sometimes I stay but keep a certain distance, to ensure I feel safe. Other times, I’ve fled out of fear they wouldn’t love me if they continued to get to know me.

I don’t value my love enough—I don’t value that my love is a gift itself.
Every time someone still shows up despite me not having ‘done’ anything, or regardless of whether I believed I was loveable the last time we hung out, or whether I’d shown my imperfections, or how many other times they’ve showed up before, a little piece of my unconditional love puzzle is put into place.

As I continue to discover just how twisted my Love Story has been until now, I continue to notice how deeply this impacts the way I love myself—the way I parent myself.I’m almost constantly noticing or realizing something different, something new.

Couple months back it suddenly hit me that I was only loving myself when I was doing or achieving things. I hadn’t realized that that part of the relationship I have with being able to be loved by others, was also the relationship I have towards being able to love myself.

I wrote this note to myself and stuck it on the wall, with the desire to love myself regardless of whether I’m doing or not doing.

I can love myself just for being.

I’m trying to trust that as this new kind of love—unconditional love—, as well as the forgiveness and acceptance it brings, begins to ripple inside myself, it’ll begin to ripple through the beliefs I have about others love for me, too—that they can love me for just being, also.

And that the people around me have been loving me this way regardless of whether I’ve been able to see it and believe it, or not.

I often feel frustrated with my process—the way that my fear and wounding has such a strong hold, and it feels like it’s taking so fucking long to ease or shift—because I long to feel able to be connected and held, rather than scared and un-seen.

When I look closely, though, things are so far from where they once were. And in my heart, I know this messiness and my wounding being so vividly here, is the beginning of truly healing.

And that can’t help but excite me and leave my worry gently soothed.

love hug relationship

love hug relationship

In the depths of our souls we all yearn for love and connection with others.

That yearning reflects a basic, even biological, human need. Infants thrive physically only when they feel deeply loved and cherished. As adults, we experience wrenching, soul-level loneliness when we don’t have love and meaningful connection in our lives, yet all too frequently we don’t have these things.

Not with our parents or siblings, not with a mate, not even with a best friend.

We all intuitively know that the highest experience in life is the sharing of love. However, we often confuse the idea of sharing love with the idea of getting love.

We try to get love when we feel empty inside and can share love only when we learn to first fill ourselves with love. We cannot share that which we do not have within. The wounded part of us seeks constantly to get love and avoid pain, resulting in an inability to share love.

The Fears that Underlie the Fears of Intimacy and Commitment

Why are love, connection and intimacy so elusive?

We sit enraptured at movies that depict two people experiencing the delight of falling in love. We thrill at their discovery of each other, their laughter, their uninhibited joy.

We love to read stories about deep friendship, about people committed to truly caring about each other over the long haul.

And we yearn for these experiences in our own lives.

Yet when we have a chance to have love, the story is a little different.

This is because, as much as we want love, we often want to avoid that which we fear even more. We don’t feel safe enough in ourselves to risk loving another.

Two major fears get in our way and undermine our wonderful new connection with someone, or even prevent that connection from ever occurring:

• Fear of rejection: the loss of another’s love through anger, emotional withdrawal, physical withdrawal or death.

• Fear of engulfment: the loss of self through being controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated and swallowed up by another.

These fears stem from childhood experiences and from defining our worth externally through others’ approval, rather than internally through spiritual eyes of truth.

We will be unable to share our love to the fullest extent until we heal these fears of loss of others and of loss of self. We will be unable to create the safe relationship space in which to share love and a safe world in which to live until we learn how to create safety within.

Until these fears are healed, we will react defensively whenever they are triggered.

What do you do when your fears of rejection are activated? Do you withdraw, comply, get angry, mean or sarcastic? Do you defend, explain or teach?

Most of us have learned many controlling behaviors to protect ourselves from experiencing our fears. However when we react in our different defensive ways, the result will be the same—our reactive behavior will trigger our partner’s own fears of rejection or engulfment.

Now both of us are acting out of fear.

Together we have created an unsafe relationship space where love and intimacy will gradually erode. And that is why in my opinion so many unhappily married, or later divorced people.

The Unsafe Relationship Space

What do I mean by the term “relationship space”? How is a “relationship space” different from a “relationship”?

A relationship space is the environment in which the relationship is occurring. It is the energy created by the two people involved.

I think of this environment, this relationship space, as an actual entity that both people are responsible for creating.

It can be a safe relationship space, which is open, warm and inviting, or it can be an unsafe relationship space, which is hard, dark, unforgiving and full of fear.

The kind of environment in which our relationship takes place is crucial to its success—or failure.

Many of us have spent much time in unsafe relationship spaces. In fact, some of us have never experienced a safe relationship space because many, if not most of us, have not learned to stay open when our fears of being rejected or controlled are triggered.

If, when these fears are activated, we focus on who is at fault or who started it, we perpetuate an unsafe relationship space. Blaming another for our fears (and for our own reactive, unloving behavior) makes the relationship space more unsafe than ever.

Both people in the relationship end up feeling badly, each of us believing that our pain is the result of the other person’s behavior.

We feel victimized, helpless, stuck and disconnected from our partner. We desperately want the other person to see what they are doing that (we think) is causing our pain.

We think that if the other person only understands this, they will change—and we exhaust ourselves trying to figure out how to make them understand.

Over time, being in an unsafe relationship space creates distance between the people involved. When we have not created a safe space in which to speak our complete, heartfelt truth about ourselves, the joy between us gradually dies.

And the more we hold back our innermost feelings and experiences, the shallower our connection becomes.

Our intimacy crumbles.

In friendships, marriages and work relationships, our joy, aliveness and creativity get lost as we each give up parts of ourselves in an attempt to feel safe.

In romantic relationships, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting and apathy take its place.

We try valiantly to figure out what went wrong. But too often we ask, “What am I doing wrong?” or “What are you doing wrong?” rather than inquiring into the health of the relationship space itself.

Only when we look at the relationship space will we see what we are each doing to create the unsafe space. The dual fears of losing the other through rejection and losing ourselves through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of our unloving, reactive behavior.

These fears are deeply rooted. They cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else’s love.

Creating a Safe Relationship Space

The way out of the unsafe relationship system is for each person to develop a strong loving adult self, capable of handling the fears of rejection and engulfment without protecting. This means learning to not take rejection personally and learning to set loving limits.

The key to doing this is learning how to create a safe inner space where we can work with and overcome our fears of rejection and engulfment. This is a process, not an event—a compassionate process of learning to love ourselves rather than abandon ourselves.

Only when you have achieved inner safety can you create a safe relationship space.

You can gradually learned to stop attacking or withdrawing and take loving care of yourself whenever your fears surface. You can learn to create inner safety when you feel threatened, rather than trying to get others to make you feel safe from your fears.

Any two people who are willing to learn to create their own inner sense of safety can also learn to create a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will endure ❤

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Being single changes woman.

She starts solving all her problems alone, not relying on anyone else… But the worst is, that she stops to believe that it could be any other way. Beware of a woman that got hurt. Her heart from that point on will beat steady and her eyes will not express any emotions. She stands out from the crowd, from now on she doesn’t need anybody and prefer to be alone…. She will never belong to anybody…. Beware of such woman, she will drive you insane with her smell and her self confidence, she will make you hysterical with her actions and her mystery, you will not be able to figure her out and that will make you lose your peace… You cannot trust. She plays with men, she says tender words but she does not mean them, and she is always the first one leaving. This kind of woman will never let you inside herself, she will not show her weakness or her fears, and when you ask a question “What are you thinking about?” she always replies “Nothing”. It is difficult to get a hold of her, quite often she turns her phone off or ignores calls, she will never call back and might not respond to your sms.

She never stands out from the crowd, she just DOSN’T NEED ANYBODY ANYMORE

Beware of this woman, even if she forgives – she will never forget

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Women….

When i say this word i feel power in it… Strong energy that females have in them…

But the truth is that women today do not know how to embrace their femininity. Particularly in contemporary culture women are conditioned and pressured to do, be and have all.

It is extremely hard for a woman to win in this environment, so it’s no wonder that woman are on constant overload. And, it’s no wonder that woman have overcompensated by relying on masculine traits and qualities. They have to be the decision maker, they have to goal orientated, they have to suppress their emotions, and they have to have it all together because want to live up to the image of being able to do it all: effortlessly. And, in a culture where men are afraid to project and cultivate their masculinity … women out of survival are driven to adopt more masculine traits. Because if they can’t rely on a man to get things done, then THEY are going to have to do it all.

If you were to pose the question, “Are women more independent today than they were decades before?”, I would say “No!” Because now days they are so desperately trying to compensate for something that they can only truly get from a man. I would say women today are more at a disadvantage because they simply CAN’T admit their desire and need for a man. They have repressed their own desires as a feminine woman. What they really need is a man that is strong. A man that can ride them through all that stress and really ground them when they feel like their world is spinning completely out of control. But it takes a man who completely is able to embrace his masculine and his dark sides. It takes a man who can truly claim his woman. It takes a man who has equal levels of balance of masculine and feminine within him.

The problem these days is that women are given too much control. Their ego’s are inflated and because they say to themselves that they don’t need a man … most men shy away because they think … well what does she need me for anyway? How can I possibly give her any more than what she already has? Men, I want you to know that even though she can’t say it – she so desperately needs you.

Feminism is no longer about equal opportunity for women. Actually it is not about equality of women and their rights but more became of a desire to be more like a man, at least that is what i noticed in american women. When originally feminist movement started it was about equal rights – such as in contract law, property, voting, reproductive rights for women, equal pay, protection of women right from domestic violence, sexual harassment and sexual assault. But some how into all this process women lost their feminine energy and understanding that yes, we need equal right under law, but we are women… and have our own powers 🙂

Being feminine means many things, but none of them have to do with giving up your power. In fact, it is our power. I think this is the most incredible ability and power that God gave us.

Feminists are teaching women to be “strong and independent.” This is not feminine. Men respond to a woman’s need. They want to rescue the damsel in distress and to win her favors. This archetype is also innate in women. She wants to be enlisted by a man.

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A feminine woman DEPENDS on a man. This doesn’t mean she is an emotional waif. She is competent but she doesn’t pretend to be independent. Men and women need each other to be whole. A feminine woman tries to please the man she loves. No, this has not been outlawed, it just seems that way. A feminine woman generates love by giving love. She empowers her man by believing in him. Love is expressed in actions and effort.

A woman wants to be loved more than anything in the world. She wants to be “known” in all her divinity. This happens when she is truly loved. Is it a coincidence the Bible uses the word “know” as in Abraham “knew” Sarah, to speak of sexual intercourse? All women are beautiful when they are loved. Women’s liberation has taught women to pursue sex for its own sake, as though they were men. This is not feminine. If a man prefers a new car, why would he marry a “used” woman? He doesn’t want a car that’s been driven by a lot of men. He doesn’t know where it’s been, what damage has been done. He will choose a brand new car. In my wife’s words: “A man wants to be a woman’s first lover; a woman wants to be his last.”

I’m not saying all women should save their virginity until marriage but certainly sex should be reserved for honest, loving long term relationships. Men need to stop looking for sex and start looking for the right woman. That’s the only guarantee of sex anyway.

Femininity means being open, kind, and positive. It means receiving gracefully and giving generously . . . not of material things, but of your heart and your genuine self. It means being your man’s biggest fan and letting him feel that his efforts to please you are appreciated and welcomed.

Many modern women ~ younger and older women alike ~ have exercised only a part of their feminine natures, and not the most important parts. They’ve not yet fulfilled their great duty and destiny as women, and hence are below the standard of truly feminine and ideal women.

In addition, give a marriageable bachelor and married man a woman with elegance of manners, exquisite tenderness, flexibility of voice, ease and propriety ~ commingled with

freedom of expression and conversation ~ and those practical lessons of feminine wisdom which flows, or should flow, from her lips.

A masculine man of high value and true alpha male may admire and be sexually attracted to a young beauty, doll. But he truly admires, respects, and often worships, an older ‘well finished’ and truly feminine, womanly and charming woman! From the latter, he gathers more information, satisfaction and fulfillment, as well as derives more pleasure from her company. And from an hour’s conversation with her, he gains far more than from the typical young beauty, and from weeks of chit chat with the shallow, vapid and/or simpering girl of eighteen to twenty five.

With a true feminine woman it’s quite evident that she’s a woman of substance. It’s also evident that you’ve watching charm in action. Such a woman is always sparkling and effervescent, and she’s often exerting herself, and can talk to a man brilliantly and illuminatingly.

A true feminine lady has the beauty, the brains, the charm, the grace, the radiance, the mystique, and the sex domination to win a chosen man to her way of thinking ~ while having his best interests at heart.

(Warning: Many women privately hate such women due to envy, including much younger women.)

When i say this all in this article, i think do we really so weak and need fight for equality with a man… or should be be proud to be women, and embrace our feminine energy and power. I think women should be proud to be women, they are the most incredible and loving creatures and should be proud. I am proud to be A Woman.

 

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– Would you be jealous if I thought of any woman from my past , being next to you ? Would you worry that I can get away from you to her ?

 – No .

– I guess you do not love me .

– You do not know what you say. Love has nothing to do with jealousy and fear of losing . I love you, but if you want to leave because you can not forget the other woman – it will be good . This will be true. Because if you had stayed , it would mean that you’re lying. If you go, it’s just going to mean that we are not right for each other , and it’s good that you’re gone . Because if you stay – you would have held the position of who is right for me . Anyone who comes to me – do not go away. There is no need to worry about. All is well .

– You’re so weird … like if you do not know how to feel and be affectionate… 

 – Love has nothing to do with attachment . Attachment and jealousy, it means i would not love myself. Fear that someone will  not fall in love with real you . You must not compare myself to anyone . You – it ‘s you. You have your own life . It is given to you. It’s a gift . Do not waste it by comparing yourself with others. This is misleading . You have to look only at yourself . Then you will not go wrong …

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— Ты стала бы ревновать, если бы я думал о какой-нибудь женщине из моего прошлого, находясь рядом с тобой? Стала бы беспокоиться о том, что я могу уйти от тебя к ней?
— Нет.
— Наверное, ты не любишь меня.
— Ты не понимаешь, о чём говоришь. Любовь не имеет ничего общего с ревностью и страхом потерять. Я люблю тебя, но если ты захочешь уйти потому, что не можешь забыть другую женщину – это будет хорошо. Это и будет правда. Потому что если бы ты остался, это означало бы то, что ты врешь. Если ты уйдешь, это просто будет значить, что мы не подходим друг другу, и это хорошо, что ты ушел. Потому что если бы ты остался – ты бы занимал место того, кто подходит мне. Тот, кто подходит мне – не уйдет. Не надо ни о чем беспокоиться. Все хорошо.
— Ты так странно любишь… Ты будто совсем не умеешь привязываться…
— Любовь не имеет ничего общего с привязанностью. Привязываться и ревновать, значит – не любить себя. Считать себя хуже кого-то, бояться, что такого как есть – тебя – не полюбят. Ты не можешь ни с кем себя сравнивать. Ты – это ты. У тебя есть cвоя жизнь. Она дана тебе. Это дар. Не трать её на сравнение с другими. Это заблуждение. Ты должен смотреть только на себя. Тогда ты не ошибешься…