Posts Tagged ‘ooak’

learning what love is

learning what love is

Love feels unsafe.

To the little girl within me, love is unsafe.

To her, love means hurt.

Love means pain, trauma, inconsistency, insanity, and conditions.

Love was fucked up, twisted, and tied so deep into their self-hatred, that it came out wrapped in violence, rather than gentleness and warmth. Bitterness, rather than compassion and understanding. Jealousy and resentment, rather than supportive holding and cheerleading.

The love wasn’t hers, it was theirs—it had the potential to change any moment. And generally, it did. No matter how hard my inner girl or inner teen tried, things stayed the same.

Why—and how—would they be any different, now?

I remember the first time I got told about unconditional love, about years ago:

“You don’t have to do anything for someone to love you?”

I laughed, thinking it was a joke.

When I realized it wasn’t, I felt a sudden sorrow—a deep grief—for myself.

How did I not know this?

My relationship with love had been ‘wrong’ my whole life.

An innately wise part of myself always understood unconditional love existed—as a kid, I remember watching other parents and children, knowing somewhere deep inside that what I experienced at home wasn’t the only way. Somehow I knew, beneath my wounding and fear, that things wouldn’t always be this way.

What I was experiencing was only a chapter, or two, of my Love Story.

As I’ve begun healing my youth and early adulthood, my relationship with love—towards myself and others—is rapidly changing.

I’m learning what love actually is.

But I’m in the messy stage.

My defenses, fears, past hurts, and insecurities, feel more tender and in-my-face, than ever—I can’t step round, look past, or dive through my wounding, anymore.

My need to feel safe, feels more important than any other need I have, so it governs almost everything I do.

I struggle to trust people. To believe or trust the love and time they give me, and that they—or it—won’t disappear, feels terrifying, and almost impossible, even though part of me knows it isn’t, and it won’t.

I worry that love I receive will also disappear when the person really sees me and witnesses my imperfections, so I make sure I only share the imperfections I feel safe sharing. Even though I love others for, and with, theirs, and that mine just make me human.

I notice there’s always a desire to rip apart any love or support given, by finding reasons or supposed ‘proof’ that the love wasn’t really genuine—“they were just saying that…they probably felt like they had to”—even though this habit only brings hurt, and I know it’s generally not true. And even if it is, or they were, it’s not my place to take it on.

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I take risks, show myself, and share my needs or vulnerabilities—or my authentic rawness and openness—and then freak-out by reading into people’s every move or every word. I close up, building an imaginary “wall”, or disappear for a few days/weeks, convinced I was ‘too much’. Sometimes I find myself laughing, because the theories my inner critic comes up with in these moments are so well thought out, convincing, and hilarious. Other times I find myself unable to laugh or find solid ground beneath the fear and self-judgment, worrying that what I’m believing, is definitely true.

My fear of abandonment feel so great, and so sensitive, that I avoid situations in which there is potential for abandonment—I end up avoiding and declining a lot. Sometimes the fear, or potential risk, of not feeling safe, is one I want—or feel able to—work with and compassionately notice. Other times it isn’t. This part of my relationship with love and trust and people, breaks my heart the most.

I feel like I stranger to myself and my previous life. I almost constantly feel slightly, or completely, disconnected or alone. Even though I’m not.

I let a friend in, become close, and then freak-out with fear of the close connection, and fear that I will be really seen. Sometimes I stay but keep a certain distance, to ensure I feel safe. Other times, I’ve fled out of fear they wouldn’t love me if they continued to get to know me.

I don’t value my love enough—I don’t value that my love is a gift itself.
Every time someone still shows up despite me not having ‘done’ anything, or regardless of whether I believed I was loveable the last time we hung out, or whether I’d shown my imperfections, or how many other times they’ve showed up before, a little piece of my unconditional love puzzle is put into place.

As I continue to discover just how twisted my Love Story has been until now, I continue to notice how deeply this impacts the way I love myself—the way I parent myself.I’m almost constantly noticing or realizing something different, something new.

Couple months back it suddenly hit me that I was only loving myself when I was doing or achieving things. I hadn’t realized that that part of the relationship I have with being able to be loved by others, was also the relationship I have towards being able to love myself.

I wrote this note to myself and stuck it on the wall, with the desire to love myself regardless of whether I’m doing or not doing.

I can love myself just for being.

I’m trying to trust that as this new kind of love—unconditional love—, as well as the forgiveness and acceptance it brings, begins to ripple inside myself, it’ll begin to ripple through the beliefs I have about others love for me, too—that they can love me for just being, also.

And that the people around me have been loving me this way regardless of whether I’ve been able to see it and believe it, or not.

I often feel frustrated with my process—the way that my fear and wounding has such a strong hold, and it feels like it’s taking so fucking long to ease or shift—because I long to feel able to be connected and held, rather than scared and un-seen.

When I look closely, though, things are so far from where they once were. And in my heart, I know this messiness and my wounding being so vividly here, is the beginning of truly healing.

And that can’t help but excite me and leave my worry gently soothed.

dont let her go

I can teach you how to love me.

If you take the time and truly want to know. I can teach you what each of my head tilts mean. I can teach you all the secrets of my body. I can teach you how to handle me when i am moody, how to console me when i am crying, what to say when i act strange or distant around you.

I can show you my wicked smile, the one that only comes out sometimes, the one i put on only when the root at the base of me and all the darkness of the world come prancing up on my spine when i have to let it wiggle and scream because without that it would consume me, as i become the immediate channel for something great and deep and wide and appalling.

I can teach you why and how it hurts when i don’t get attention. I can teach you, that sometimes i will push you away, but inside i will slowly die because i do not want that, and i regret every moment and secretly hope you will not listen and will not go… that in reality i want you to hold me tight and lift me in your arms, and never let me go… i want you to fight for me…

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I can teach you how while i have claws, i have choice about when i use them, i can teach you how to declaw me faster and better each time.I can teach you how to preempt my tantrums, how to make it safe for me to come out and play, how to bring forth my love like shining beacon of depth and warmth and delight and freedom.

I can teach you what to do when i reach for you – or maybe you already know. Maybe there are things you already know about me, about how to be with me, just from the way i move or sit or stand or share or the way i light up or shut down.

I can teach you these things, offer them up like so many pebbles, worn and smooth and pure, because i found them and ground them away down into their essence, made them soft by my own tears and trauma. I can bring them to you like a secret offering, fetching from depth of my soul and my anguish, inspired and transpired by the innocence with witch a child places total trust and responsibility in the hands of people who don’t and can’t know everything right all the time.

I learned these things, in fact, to teach you.

When it was hard and i wanted to stop and i wanted it to stop and i wanted to make it stop, when i wanted to arrest the humiliation or destroy the awakening or hold onto the hate or shutter the screams or beat my fists across walls or cover my ears and board up my eyes and silence my mouth forever, i thought of …

The only thing i need from you, the only gift i need you to give me, the only rendition and chorus i require, is for you to ask…

I need you to ask.

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Being single changes woman.

She starts solving all her problems alone, not relying on anyone else… But the worst is, that she stops to believe that it could be any other way. Beware of a woman that got hurt. Her heart from that point on will beat steady and her eyes will not express any emotions. She stands out from the crowd, from now on she doesn’t need anybody and prefer to be alone…. She will never belong to anybody…. Beware of such woman, she will drive you insane with her smell and her self confidence, she will make you hysterical with her actions and her mystery, you will not be able to figure her out and that will make you lose your peace… You cannot trust. She plays with men, she says tender words but she does not mean them, and she is always the first one leaving. This kind of woman will never let you inside herself, she will not show her weakness or her fears, and when you ask a question “What are you thinking about?” she always replies “Nothing”. It is difficult to get a hold of her, quite often she turns her phone off or ignores calls, she will never call back and might not respond to your sms.

She never stands out from the crowd, she just DOSN’T NEED ANYBODY ANYMORE

Beware of this woman, even if she forgives – she will never forget

I know i have been “lost” for awhile and have not been writing as much as i wanted… Actually i have written a lot, but they all went in my “diary”-like pile… It seems like somehow i get sidetracked and my posts become way to personal as to what is going on in my life, so i keep mum for now 🙂

Yesterday, i was too lazy to go out to the art supply store, so instead i took my “bamboo” tablet out and draw that way… it took me two days (out of which 4 hours of sleep – talking about being a bit obsessive, lol), almost a heart attack (when my laptop froze and i thought i lost my work) and now with all done… i cannot choose which one i like the most so i post all of them!

I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think.

Was I the same when i got up this morning?

I almost think I can remember  feeling little different.

But if I am not the same, the next question is “Who in the world Am I?”

Ah, that’s the greatest puzzle!

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I feel paralyzed…. I cannot feel my hands…my body… It is pulling me! I try to hold on, trying to grab any branch of logic and pull myself out. It is swirling and pulling me… Telling me let go and not fight it…. Just let go and feel… Limbo…But I am scared, no, I am more than scared I am terrified!  This is nothing like falling down the hole as Alice in wonderland, it is dark, magnetic, paralyzing abyss… I cannot breathe, it makes my body feel so light, like feather and I feel my fall, I feel with every cell of my body I feel this vacuum swirling hole puling me…. I put an incredible effort, it is painful, it takes almost unreal force and energy… To open my eyes and pull myself out of this dream…

I am scared beyond any logic, I am shaking… I am not cold…. I am terrified! I hold my knees, I try to become a ball and feel my body again! My eyes wide open and I remember this dream. I haven’t  had it in years, but I know I had it before. The first time I remember this dream when I was 3. I woke up screaming and could not explain to my parents what scared me. I remember I could not breathe then and was paralyzed with fear, that my mother took me to the bathroom and shoved me under cold water until I could feel and started shivering and crying. Since that time I had this dream couple of times and I have been able to pull back and not tell anyone that it haunts me.

But then for over 15 years now I did not see it again… I thought it was gone forever. Actually I stopped having dreams at all, or if I had a dream of any kind, I knew that in couple years it will happen and I call it a déjàvu. But not with this abyss. It is overpowering and takes you all… It is a big, dark, circling swirl and it sucks you in fast and with incredible force….

Maybe I should stop fighting it. Why am I so scared of it? Maybe I should let it consume me all and dive into it?.. It is illogical and does not make any sense, but does life makes sense sometimes? Does our beating hearts make sense? Does our incredible brain makes logical sense? Does us as human beings, that created so incredibly smart… Can logic explain it? No… But we exist and no scientist could create anything remotely close to what we are… We don’t make sense but we exist. Maybe I need to take a leap of faith and just let it take me. Why I fear it so much? Why I fear being taken and belong to something… Someone…. Why I have to hold on to my logic and not just listen to my heart and stop trying to  understand everything… It is not possible anyway… Something our brain cannot explain and knowing bible as well as I do I understand why, but it does not make it easier to just believe.

Why i cannot trust… why i cannot just believe and have faith in life?

Recently in my life i had too many dejavu and too many coincidences that puzzles me and makes me feel like this abyss becomes rather a reality not just a dream. For the past weeks my mind slowly being consumed by it… About 3 weeks ago i walked in my home, and my mother looked at me and said that i look like i have been “taken”… i asked what she meant, and she could not accurately describe it, she just said it is in my eyes… i giggled and said it was nonsense…. but is it? now i think about it all morning, for hours now… and every word, every action, every dejavu falls into a puzzle – picture… but do i want to see what will come out? do i want to feel it? i am afraid, i am afraid to see, to try to feel it, i want to… but it is like going inside abyss for me… terrifying! I am afraid i will give all and it will consume me completely… and will i be strong enough to pull out in time?…